I am going to talk about this tendency of all those involved in society to maintain the victims in the state of eternal victims because for the ego of the people who help and who suddenly want to put themselves in our place there is no possibility of really getting out of this state, because they do not know what we have experienced and imagine that it is insurmountable, and well because they have this egocentric vision they transpose it to all the victims.
This hatred maintained by their so-called understanding even has for some, including me, the annoying habit of pushing us to create in our turn another form of victim of our hatred maintained by society and sometimes, as in my case, to push us to suicide because we cannot leave this hell where some want to lock us up at all costs for various reasons, sometimes even monetary and political.
Before the end of my former life, marked by an unsuccessful attempt at social and real suicide, I had consulted a certain number of therapists and therapies and I had done the rounds of the means at my disposal, very weak means indeed
My father destroyed me psychologically all my life, himself a child of destructive parents, a long line of untreated hatred, ignored mental problems and others to make a long story short.
I have been to individual therapists who spouted empty phrases to get me to work and think. Others suggested I get even, call the police, etc..... My father had gone far but I had contained him, no doubt he would have been a case for the asylum these days but I didn't really see him going to jail, anyway I made sure he wasn't a danger to others and with fronto-temporal dementia, what good would it have done him in the end.
What about me, anyway? Why wasn't my recovery from a victim to a normal human being at the heart of the matter?
Why were all these people literally obsessed with making me an eternal victim. They were cultivating and growing the flowers of total hatred. Their efforts were not helping me, on the contrary, these poorly calibrated efforts were causing me to have nightmares at night, relive horrible things and making me extremely disconnected from others around me, if not totally insensitive, hypnotized by my pain.
I hit rock bottom and exhausted all my resources, the state would not help me at all, they made applications for help disappear, I literally had to fight with them to beg for some help, as I was a contractor I had absolutely no financial support, left to my own devices so to speak.
Three things literally brought me back to life, I ended up in the psychiatric emergency room, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic shock, severe depression, chronic anxiety, ..., it would take too long to say everything.
I had something that I could finally identify, accept and use.
My wife had a counseling program at her company, which no longer exists, removed because of COVID.
Through this program, I met an eccentric and unusual psychologist. She didn't victimize me, she didn't give me stupid homework, she said that 95% of the patients do this homework hypocritically to please their caregiver, no she was frank, direct, listening and not closed to solutions that I found myself.
And I found Buddhism, a simple human, who unlike me had been raised in comfort and total denial of reality, had still given up everything to seek a life with more meaning, who accepted to be part of this world as a whole part of this universe and not as a victim of the sufferings related to this world.
Without going into details, this was life-saving for me. Buddhism alone would not have helped me, but the combination of Buddhism and the other solutions finally opened the door to something other than a life of victim and executioner.
For me the ego was a tyrant that I obeyed every day and that ruled every aspect of my life, until I realized that the ego is nothing more than an ephemeral concept that must be at best a tool but certainly not a tyrant.
It is certainly disappointing for one who is driven by his ego to understand that we are ultimately a mortal being, a construct of many cells that briefly cooperate with each other to give us the impression of being, if you want to take it further, a collection of subatomic particles.
The topic of this conversation is not theory though, now that you know this you can mentally burn this debate and tell yourself that you are now free of yourself, you can be whatever you want to be as long as you are allowed to, it is up to you to make this ego into something constructive, if you were a passenger on a cruise ship, would you rather ruin your life and the lives of the other travelers or make this trip go as smoothly as possible, it is up to you to see what is
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